I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
