I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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