Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
