This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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