is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
