Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
