So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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