Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
