We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
