my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
