"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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