i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
