So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
