I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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