apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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