Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
