my mouth tastes like poor choices
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
