We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
