Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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