There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
