we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
sarcasm needs its own font
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
