worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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