omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
