I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
