im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
