The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no, he came in my armpit
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
