Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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