I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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