Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
