new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
