Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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