hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
