U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
