So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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