Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
