Pappa wants mamma naked
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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