I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
