i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
