So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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