Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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