Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
