Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
