I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
