If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
