Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
