Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
