I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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