she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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