my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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