I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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